Somewhere in the interior of PARLIAMENT. A darkened room with a very conspiratorial atmosphere. MANDELSON and BROWN are seated at a table at one end of the room. DARLING, dressed in Activist gear — black robes and a red sash around his head — is standing by a plan on the wall. He is addressing a committee of about eight Masked Activists. Their faces are partially hidden.

Darling:
We get in through the underground cooling system here... up through to the hadron collider chamber here... and the collider itself is in this big ring here. Having grabbed the collider, we inform Cox that it's in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?

Harris:
What exactly are the demands?

Mandelson:
We're giving Cox and his gang two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of scientific research funding and if they don't agree immediately we kill the collider.

Afriyie:
Cut its head off?

Darling:
What? No, it doesn't have a head. Cut all its detectors off, send 'em back every hour on the hour... show him we're not to be trifled with.

Mandelson:
Also, we're demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of Isaac Newton with his cock hanging out.

Drayson:
What? They'll never agree to that, Peter.

Mandelson:
That's just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop it up, and... that we shall not submit to clever arguments!

Dacre:
(Applause) No clever arguments!!

Mandelson:
They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, not just from us, from our lecturers and from our lecturers' lecturers.

Brown:
And from our lecturers' lecturers' lecturers.

Mandelson:
Yes.

Brown:
And from our lecturers' lecturers' lecturers' le....

Mandelson:
All right, Gordon. Don't Labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?

Harris:
The aeroplane.

Mandelson:
Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true.

Masked Activist:
And sanitation!

Drayson:
Oh yes... sanitation, Peter, you remember what London used to be like.

Mandelson:
All right, I'll grant you that the aeroplane and sanitation are two things that the Scientists have done...

Masked Activist:
And the television...

Mandelson:
(sharply) Well yes obviously the television... the telly goes without saying. But apart from the aeroplane, sanitation and the television...

Another Masked Activist:
Intensive agriculture...

Harris:
Medicine... Hi-tech industry... Cosmetics...

Mandelson:
Yes... all right, fair enough...

Prescott:
And a diverse array of fresh food from around the world...

Drayson:
Oh yes! True!

Darling:
Yeah. That's something we'd really miss if the Scientists left, Peter.

Afriyie:
Mobile phones!

Drayson:
And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, what with all that electrical lighting.

Darling:
Yes, they certainly know how to illuminate things... (general nodding)... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like Parliament.

(More general murmurs of agreement)

Mandelson:
All right... all right... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and agriculture and public health and transport and a freshwater system and urban lighting and phones and the television and cosmetics and modern industry... what have the Scientists done for us?

Harris:
Brought the Internet!

Mandelson:
(Very angry) What!? Oh... (scornfully) The Internet, yes... shut up!